Friends that make you. and Friends that break you.

The other day I was in a strip club getting a lap dance...
                   and I asked the stripper for her number. Yes her. and no not for a date. We were having a conversation (ish) and I just thought, you know what, maybe this girl needs a friend...and it can be hard to make new friends in Vegas. She actually agreed, and we will likely hang out in the near future.

I have met several new people lately...but I find that it can be difficult to let them into my life.

Often times on my long drives home from work at 8am lately, I have had these introspective moments when I look at why I am the way I am...and how I got here. As I have moved forward in my adult life since college, I have had to learn new ways to make friends and really put myself out there. However ultimately, these things, friendships and dating, are difficult for me because I just don't really trust people. Sad? maybe. Reality? yes.  Yet as I look to my friends now and the future, I have looked back at the friends who have made me who I am. In doing so, two groups stand out. One group from high school, and another from college.

As an adult (young or old), have you ever thought about who has affected your life....or maybe whose life you have affected...through your friendships? I wasn't picked on alot growing up, but I can pin point the exact moments when I was, and who said things, and how I felt. I had a hard time trusting girls growing up. I know some of this comes from middle and high school girl-hormone-emotion-bitchiness. But really, I never trusted girls completely, really people. I kind of just liked to watch. Which many people mistook for arrogance. Except for a group of three girls in high school. We were inseparable. I'd like to think I was my whole self with them. You know, those girls you grow up with, you learn about yourselves with, blah blah. But then senior year came around and everything changed. And it felt like they had completely turned on me and just stabbed me in the back. Blunt, I know, but elaboration would be its own epically boring blog post.  I don't think the scar on my heart will ever be gone from that year.

But this isn't about a sob story from 6 years ago.

Because then I went to college. And I was pretty freaking miserable for a year (wait i thought this wasnt a sob story...stay with me) and was even thinking about transferring...until I met a group of 5 guys who turned everything around. Literally. I don't know that I would be where I am without them. I'd like to think so, but I don't think it would have been as happy and fun getting here. These guys took me under their wings I suppose, or at least let me pretend to be one of the guys. Hell, I even dated one of them for 3 years (and he was a wonderful boyfriend and is still a great person). They introduced me to new things, they kept me healthy when I was a bit crazy, they embraced me for who I was. I still keep in contact with almost all of them and even if I didn't I would still do anything for any of them. I'm not sure they ever really understood the impact they had on my life (unless you're reading this...then heyyyy). Which makes me wonder how many people I have affected.

Do you have experiences like this? Are you thinking of those critical moments and people that have been in your life up until now?

How many people have I affected in either a positive or negative way. When people look back at their high school, college, adult lives...how many will think of me in disdain or in kindness? Maybe these are more thoughts of someone looking back on a life long lived. I haven't lived that long relatively speaking but it makes me want to be a force of good in people's lives.

Think about the people who have made your life better. Have you told them lately?

There are so many stories on the news these days about kids being bullied and kids hurting themselves or others due to bullying. It is incredibly depressing. How do we end up that way, and when we do behave like that...as adults, how can we change? I am going to stop here before I get too hippy-rainbows-flowers on you.

This isn't me saying go out and hug the world. Simply me being thankful for the positive people in my life, and wanting to make a conscious decision to be a positive person in other people's lives. It is incredible how much we can know about humans and each other, and still be so unable to tell how what we say can affect someone at certain times in their lives.

So to my old friends and my new friends and my true friends. Thanks for making my life rock.
And for the people I have hurt, I am sorry.

Women and intimidation in the Weight Room

The support and feedback from my last post was just incredible. I am so glad you guys liked what I had to say. That is a topic where there will always be more to add...but I will save it for the next thing that truly upsets me.

I was however scrolling around fitness websites and saw the likes of this (the site was also criticizing what is so...just wrong...about this picture)




Now, this was attributed to an article about women who are scared to lift weights because they don't want to look like a body builder. I have an issue with both sides of this. First of all, it is insinuating that the woman on the left is in no way a desirable option. Personally, that really is not how I want to look, but I support those who do and I don't think there should be the insinuation that it is some terrible thing. And secondly, the woman on the right is over-sexualized, probably did some water manipulation for this shot....and is holding what looks like a 3lb weight. Which I highly doubt she uses in any exercises.

But what this really got me thinking about is intimidation in the gym. That is, women's intimidation of the weight room. I am no stranger to the gym, but up until recently, and even still sometimes, I had a healthy fear of lifting free weights around men. So what this picture really had me wondering about was this stigma that we have of women in the weight room.

There are tons of articles out there now about how women need to lift weights - about the amazing benefits that in can provide like increasing your happiness, bone strength, heart strength, brain strength (aka cognitive function), life longevity, diet, fat burning rate, etc. More and more society is trying to say, "yah, ok, you should lift some dumbells now instead of just running the treadmill..." I am so excited for all of these articles. They are so so true and I certainly hope you read some of them here, and here, and here and.... you get the point

But I think that the lack of education about weightlifting pales in comparison to the way American society looks down on women who lift weights. Maybe you have experienced this yourself out on the weight room floor. People staring, guys asking if you are using equipment as if there is no way you really should be...

When it comes to females working out, there’s a glaring and insulting double standard—women should be toned but never jacked. No wonder, then, that women (and men) tend to treat cardiovascular exercise—the treadmill, the stationary bike, the elliptical machine—as the holy grail of female fitness. The fairer sex can sweat it out in hot yoga, but must never lose the softness, the femininity.

One article I read was spot on

"Body image is the real reason women aren’t lifting weights. We aren’t supposed to be strong. Just look at Michelle Obama and her pumped-up biceps. The first lady’s sleeveless dresses have sparked conversation everywhere from ABC News to the opinion section of the New York Times. “She’s made her point,” columnist David Brooks quipped. “Now she should put away Thunder and Lightning.” If the incredibly fit and beautiful Michelle Obama is ridiculed, what can the rest of us expect?"

I have done my share of sports in my life - swimming, track, cheerleading (small time during middle school), golf, fencing, water polo, triathlons marathons, yoga, kickboxing....but being in a weight room was never something I felt comfortable doing alone. nope...I'll just stick to these machines in here...

Towards the end of college, and when I lived in Texas, I finally recruited a lifting partner. A man who would take me into the world of weights and keep me safe. Even though I already knew all of these exercises and understood all of the equipment, I felt more validated having a man in there with me.

Once we were in there though, I worked hard. In between his sets and mine we would take those 2 - 45lb plates off of either side and put on my 10 or 15 or however much weight on either side of the bar for me and back and forth. His goal was to get big. My goal was just to stay in shape initially..and then it was to lift more weight. And it was nice because he pushed me to work harder and I never felt judged or like I didn't belong there. But when I left Texas, I lost a bit of my confidence too. Strange, I know.

And then I dated a guy who worked out a lot and I thought, ok cool, maybe I can do this too and work out and lift with him. I really missed the weight room. That's when he told me "Guys and girls shouldn't work out together....guys and girls do different workouts because they have different goals, I'm trying to be big, and you just want to, what, be tone?"

...scratches head. Weird, because when I swam I did the same workouts as the guys...when I did track I did the same workouts as the guys...when I did fencing I did the same workouts as the guys...when I did triathlons I did the same workouts as the guys....and when I was lifting every day with the guys I did the exact same workout every day. I just used the weights that were in my ability level. Sure I'm not trying to gain 30 lbs of muscle mass, but that was never going to happen. My goal is always to push myself a little more, to try things that are different. When girls and guys workout together, that is exactly what happens, at least for me it is.

It felt like everything that society kind of had set under the surface just popped out and hit me in the face. You don't do the same workouts as men because you don't need to be jacked...just toned. OhMyBad. Except I don't have the right amount of testosterone to get big and jacked like a man. And I don't eat a low carb super high protein diet like a man trying to get shredded. So really, I could do the same thing as a man every day and I am never ever going to get the same results as him. DUH.

But saying out loud what I had been trying to fight against so long made something snap. And suddenly, that weight room was my challenge and I was going to run over every part of it. alone. 

Society is moving to where it is ok for women to be strong. But how strong? Why does it remain socially uncomfortable for some for women to lift large amounts of weight, or any weight? Why must women struggle to preserve socially condoned images of femininity while they try to honor an athletic identity that challenges those gender norms? And who says I can't lift as much or as little as I want and not look feminine?

There have been many times since that conversation where I have found myself as the only female on the entire weight room floor. I finally stopped doubting myself as soon as I felt like someone else was doubting me already. I don't wear my glasses so I can't really see if people are watching me. Sometimes I still get a little nervous, but then I remind myself that I absolutely know what I am doing, and I DESERVE to be there just as much as anyone.

I know my fellow females are sweating it out upstairs on the elliptical and bike like I used to be ... Maybe you are curious about the weight room too and just need that extra boost to get in there. Maybe this post will help you.

Here are some helpful tips

1. Do your research first - come up with a plan and look up different exercises, maybe watch YouTube videos for the examples. Write down the workout you want to do, and bring it with you to the gym. That way you have a plan, and you already know exactly what each thing looks like.

Check out some sample workouts here

2. Ask a trainer. After all, that IS their job. So maybe you want some extra exercises for your chest or maybe your hamstrings. Ask them on the weightroom floor what else you can incorporate. And ask them to assist you the first time to make sure you are doing it correctly. I'm sure this may seem embarrassing...but a little blush is worth a stronger butt...right?

3. Wear something comfortable. Don't wear something where you are going to be concerned if this or that is pudging out of if your pants are too this or that. You want to feel as confident as you can going into this new situation.

4. Get a playlist. That way you can tune out everything else around you

5. Optional. Bring a partner. Grab your guy and do the same workout he is doing. Grab a girlfriend and go through this process together. Or just bring your ipod and maybe a notebook to keep track of your workouts and progress.

6. When you see yourself working hard in those mirrors. Just accept what you see. Don't judge yourself.

Lets talk about food.....and weight

Lets talk about food. After all, everyone else is doing it. Every day a new blog post yes, like this one maybe, or a new news article. Go on Yahoo or MSNBC or CNN and surely there is a new article on food and health  or fitness.

Now, most people who know me know that I work out and I eat well. Or maybe you don’t know that, maybe you just think I’m skinny and lucky and its magic. For the most part I don’t blog…or I haven’t blogged….about diet and fitness because I don’t want to seem like a know-it-all…because I don’t know-it-all. However, I do know enough.

Two things in particular have spurred this post. The first was this blog post about a cheerleader being “too chunky.” The second, was my trip to the grocery store.

All I did was buy two tubs of cool whip and 1 can of whipped cream…and about $40 of fruits and vegetables.  But the lady cashing me out seemed utterly shocked that I would eat that, even noting that while my cool-whip was fat free, my whipped cream was not “the light kind.” OH. MY BAD.  I tried to make light of it by explaining I enjoy the cool whip frozen with a tablespoon of nutella or peanut butter and I like the whipped cream on fruit and granola…it’s a texture thing. But instead of letting it go, she asked “How can you eat all that cool whip and stay so skinny?” She reminded me of the cashier last month who seemed shocked and almost appalled that the 6 bags of Cadbury mini chocolate eggs were not for easter baskets, they were in fact for me. Just. Me.

So these two incidents have brought two things to the forefront of my mind. First, our societal body hating…or hating on women’s bodies….and secondly, our food hating.

Let me be clear. I love both of those. I think women’s bodies are amazing. No, not gay (not that I care if anyone else is) but I appreciate the female form. And I am a foodie. 100%

Let’s start with our body hating. This most likely starts in middle and high school … peer pressures, mean kids, CosmoGirl and Seventeen Magazine telling us what is hot and cute and so that is what we aim for. For some people it is worse than others. When I was in high school I had a notebook where I kept track of every single thing I ate and the calorie count. I had attachments printed out for the nutrition/calorie count for every fast food restaurant around as well as fruits, vegetables, meats, and cheeses for quick reference. I tried to keep my calories under 1200. I was swimming anywhere from 2-5 hours a day. Some days for lunch I would have just an apple and a red bull. I had all of these negative connotations of body weight and obesity and what was attractive. Instead of fully appreciating my body for what it could do for me (I had broad strong shoulders that were quite lovely looking back on it and a great 100fly time) I just wanted my hip bones to stick out more. That was my favorite part of my body…my protruding hip bones.

I thank swimming for keeping me healthy. When you are working out as much as I was, I couldn’t truly stop eating. Although, I remember one trip to Disney where I ate half of a salad for two of the days… it was something I tried to hide because even as I did it, I knew it was wrong. I never really hated my body in high school…but I certainly didn’t love it like I should have. Like I wish I could tell any girl in high school now to.

Then I went to college. And I gained almost 15 lbs. Holy. Shit. But you know what? I wasn’t too uncomfortable with myself. I went to a school of mostly guys, and even at my heaviest, I was never truly that big. My boobs got huge, and I completely embraced that! It wasn’t until I came home that I began to become more self conscious. And then those bikini pictures. I think I have deleted them all now. Self. Body. Hate. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to be comfortable…but it seemed like people around me didn’t. You know what I did? I stopped weighing myself. And then I started working out differently. Because working out has never been a fight for me. It has been a release and a pleasure. I have been “working out” since I was 8 months old when I first started swimming.  And so I stopped worrying about others and I began focusing on myself and getting back to me, and I started to feel better…and lose weight.

I will mention, it was also at this point that I became gluten intolerant….in a world that didn’t know what gluten was yet. I won’t lie. Cutting out wheat and processed foods certainly helped me get back in shape. As did finding crossfit through my then boyfriend. I was already psychotically aware of food and calories but I now became more aware of food and NUTRITION. Where I could get proper grains, where I could get the vitamins and minerals I needed, and what foods would help with what parts of my body and mind.  The healthier I ate, the better I felt, the more I worked out, the happier I was. And for the first time, I loved my body for its strength, not for its size.

I am so tired of “do this to lose 10lbs” articles. Even as I type this, I have an email from WOMENS HEALTH telling me how I can “look better in jeans, lingerie, and naked…in 6 weeks.” This is why we hate our bodies, and other peoples bodies. Health it not about a number, it is about a feeling and mentality and for me, strength.

 Fuck you Women’s Health. If you aren’t confident in who you are and what you bring to the table, nothing is going to make you think you “look better naked” or in lingerie. I think I look damn fine in either of those, but that is because of how I feel on the inside. Scoff all you want, but when I am truly happy inside, my weight and size that day doesn’t matter – I think I look great in whatever I want.

These claims are bullshit. 

Articles like the one I posted above about the cheerleader are what is wrong with us. Why do we need people to be insecure about their bodies? Why do we need to dictate what is ideal or healthy for everyone else? Maybe she doesn’t have a six pack…but maybe she can run marathons faster than most. And I can sure as heck promise she is a lot more flexible than most people. My last fitness test, I measured a 26.5” waist. I know some people will tell me they would kill to have that. Or maybe some people would say it should be a 24” waist. I’m more proud that I knocked out 64 pushups in one minute. The “max” for girls is only 48. I did 64 pushups in 60 seconds. And I was elated. I want to be strong and I want to be healthy and so that is what I focus on, and I am “skinny” as some will say.

Post workout. 

 I weigh what I did in high school. My body stays at 127. Woah. Just put my weight on the internet. Mind. Blown. My body is happy here and it doesn’t care what my mind thinks. That is what I have learned. When I get sick and lose weight, I will bounce back to 127 within a week. I may hover at 125 here and there, and when I was training for my half iron man I was at 120, but I do much more weightlifting than cardio now, and I am the same as I was when I did 4 hours of cardio every day in high school. I have accepted my body. I love it. And I ignore those “lose 10lbs in a week” ads. Instead, I’m off looking for the next “start benching more weight” or “how to get those extra pull ups” “how to run a little faster.” … I wish that Cosmo would print more of those…

yup. still me.

And about my diet. Everyone asks how I can eat what I eat and look how I do. I’m not going to pretend I sit here eating oreos and don’t gain weight. I don’t eat anything with wheat. I haven’t had a fast food hamburger since 6^th grade. I do eat their French fries though. I spent over a year as mostly Vegan and even now I am probably 80% vegan. I eat fish, and sometimes cheese. I don’t deprive myself of things I want. Now you’re thinking – YES YOU DO! YOU DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF MEAT (so to speak…) But I don’t…I honestly just don’t crave those things, and so I don’t worry about eating them just to say I do. I didn’t feel bad when I ate that candied bacon I made with my Valentine’s day meal. I don’t feel bad when I eat crème brulee. I also don’t regularly crave sweets. When I get stressed I would rather eat an avocado than M&Ms. I eat about 5 avocados a week. Honest truth. I’m not thinking about the calories or fat in them, I am thinking about how delicious they are and how GOOD they are FOR me. I love fruits and vegetables. To a certain extent, this is because of how I was raised, but also because of how I have trained and educated myself. I watch documentaries like “Forks over Knives” and “Vegucated” and “Super Size Me” and I read books like “Omnivores Dilemma” and “Eat to Run”. I pay attention to how I feel when I eat and how my food makes me feel. I am always learning more. So yes, I enjoy going to Vegan restaurants, I like eating “Raw” at some places. I also like going to View and getting a glass of wine and sharing a cheese plate, or BJ’s for gluten free pizza and a martini. If I really wanted a steak, I would get one. If I want to open a bag of dark chocolate drizzled popcorn right after I get home from dinner, I will. So I do what I want…but what I want rarely includes eating a dozen cookies and a tub of ice cream. I feel sad when people won’t try something because of the calories or fat or carbs. I love carbs. When I find a restaurant that serves gluten free pasta, I do not order a salad. I freaking celebrate and order pasta! I’m mean without carbs! I am not scared to go to a 4 star restaurant and order whatever I want (gluten excluded) in order to enjoy the experience, and no one else should be either. Moderation is the only rule. And even that one can be broken every now and then…

So yes, judgmental lady at grocery story. I am going to eat all of those chocolate easter eggs. But it will probably take me 6 -8 months to eat those 6 bags. And yes, I may sit and eat half a tub of cool whip with a tablespoon or two of nutella, but I am also going to have a salad with spinach, beets, chia seeds, red bell pepper, strawberries, avocado, and balsamic dressing. And yes, I wear a size 2, but I can also put some serious weight on the squat rack and do Murph WOD in 50 minutes (yes, those 100 pull ups are assisted…not that bad ass yet….yet…)

So stop food hating and judging and body hating. Don’t look at the “skinny” girl eating ice cream and think how lucky she is, think more about what arm work out she does to get such nice looking biceps. Don’t say the woman is too chubby to be a cheerleader, commend her on her strength and flexibility and comfort in her own skin. Because really, if we were all comfortable in our own skin, we would care a whole lot less about everyone else in theirs.

I could talk about these issues forever. and maybe I will start. Keep in mind this is only one person's opinion....and I am open to hearing from everyone!